Jesus, What about Divorce? Manuscript

SERMON TITLE: Jesus, what about divorce?
TEXT: Mark 10:1-12 (ESV)
SPEAKER: Josh Hanson
DATE: 9-12-21

You can watch the sermon here.
You can find the sermon notes here.

WELCOME

It’s a joy to be with all of you this weekend at Gateway Church. And there’s one thing I always want you to know — and this is true if you’re worshipping with us for the first time or are joining us at our North Main campus — the one thing I want you to know is that God loves you and that I love you too.

SERIES INTRODUCTION

After taking a week off, we’re jumping back into our series in the gospel of Mark. So — if you have your Bible — go ahead and find Mark chapter 10 — we’ll be in Mark chapter 10 today. And each week in this series — we’re seeing people ask Jesus all kinds of questions. And their questions are what we’re focusing on — because — we’ve all got questions, don’t we? Questions about life, about spiritual things, about relationships, and so on. And the questions — we find people asking Jesus in Mark’s gospel — are questions we’re still asking today.

So let’s turn to our passage and — the question Jesus will be asked this week is — well — it’s gonna be an uncomfortable one for us. Why? Well — this week — Jesus gets asked about divorce.

So let’s turn to our text. We’re in Mark chapter 10. Beginning in verse 1.

“And he left there and went to the region of Judea and beyond the Jordan, and crowds gathered to him again. And again, as was his custom, he taught them. 2 And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” 3 He answered them, “What did Moses command you?” 4 They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.” 5 And Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. 6 But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ 7 ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 10 And in the house the disciples asked him again about this matter. 11 And he said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, 12 and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”” (Mark 10:1-12 ESV)

SERMON INTRODUCTION

So — right here at the beginning — I want to lay out what I hope to accomplish. I want us all — as uncomfortable as it may be — I want us all to see what Jesus has to say about divorce. Then we’re going to look at ways we all — married, single, divorced, Christian, non-Christian — how we all test Jesus when it comes to this topic. And then I want to provide some comfort and hope for us.

And — honestly — this is one of those topics that’s much easier to never preach on. But — being committed to preaching through books of the Bible — well — sometimes that means we’re confronted with a topic that’s not on any of our “top 10 lists of topics we want Josh to preach on.” But it’s what we find in our verses in Mark’s gospel for today — so it’s the topic before us.

Now you’ve heard me say — many times — that we find ourselves living in a culture that’s made personal happiness the goal of life. In fact — that goal — personal happiness — we’re told — is to be front and center for every decision we make — including decisions we make in our marriages. Thus a shift has taken place — over the past fifty or so years in our nation — in regards to our view of marriage. Marriage has shifted from a covenant relationship — between a man and a woman — to a conditional relationship. Thus — if the marriage becomes too challenging, or personally unfulfilling, or if it becomes a source of unhappiness — many marriages come to an end. Divorce is the solution — it’s the obvious answer for finding happiness once again.

And — among Christians in our country — few things have grown more in acceptance than divorce. Maybe acceptance isn’t the right word — maybe a better word picture is that nothing’s infiltrated our lives — on a personal level — with such devastation as divorce has. For example — in 1972 — 73% of all Christians in the US were married. In 2020, only 53% were married. And — in 2020 — there were more than twice the number of divorced Christians than in the 1970s. (Ryan Burge, “Despite Stigma, More Divorced Evangelicals Are Going to Church,” February 4, 2020. https://www.christianitytoday.com/news/2020/february/despite-stigma-more-divorced-evangelicals-go-to-church.html.) Divorce has infiltrated all of our lives.

In fact, let’s do a little audience participation so we see how much divorce has infiltrated our midst — and I’m not about to shame anyone so let’s all just take a deep breath and relax and listen carefully. If you or your parents, or if you have a sibling or a child who’s experienced a divorce — would you raise your hand and keep it up? Again — if you, your parents, a sibling, or a child in your family has experienced a divorce raise and keep your hand up.

Look around the room — if you’re at North Main — look around the room you’re in. Look at how widespread divorce is — look at how many of us have been personally affected by divorce — look at how it’s infiltrated our midst. And — so we’re clear — my hand isn’t raised just to get you to raise your hand — divorce is something that’s personal to my family’s story. You can put your hands down.

A few months ago, I did an exercise where I mapped out my family tree. But unlike many of these exercises — this family tree focused on relationships. And one of the things I looked at was the marriages in my family. Now — I only went up to my grandparents, down to their kids — so my parents and my aunts and uncles — and then family members at my level of the tree — siblings and cousins. And do you know what I found?

First, I don’t have a big family. I’ve only got six aunts and uncles total. Only six cousins too. But from my grandparents — to my parents generation — down to my cousins there have been at least 11 divorces. And one of my uncles never married! Eleven divorces for 16 marriages in my family.

Now — no doubt — marriages can be hard work. And I understand that divorces happen even when one of the spouses doesn’t want the marriage to come to an end. Marriage is the union of two sinners — afterall — two imperfect people — two — if we’re willing to admit it — two individuals selfishly committed to themselves. And — many times — we’re on the receiving end of someone else’s pursuit of happiness — no matter the cost to their spouse or children.

Yet — and many of us have learned this lesson — and others of us will learn this lesson — chasing personal happiness often leads us away from God’s will for our lives. And — as a pastor — I have story after story after story of people who decided that it’s easier to not believe in God any more — or to create a god that agrees with their choices — because they’ve decided to not take God’s view of marriage as seriously as he does. And — in regards to marriage — especially living in our culture — we’ve all failed to take marriage as seriously as God takes it. In fact, not getting a divorce isn’t the goal — by the way — marriages that take God’s view of marriage seriously should be our goal.

Yet — in the midst of this culture of divorce that we find ourselves living in — the Christian faith offers us hope. For — in the gospel — we find great hope for our marriages and great hope for those who are single and great hope for those who are divorced. So let’s return to Mark’s gospel and ask Jesus our question for today. “Jesus, what do you say about divorce?”

WHAT DO YOU SAY ABOUT DIVORCE?

We’re back in verse 1 of Mark chapter 10.

“And he left there and went to the region of Judea and beyond the Jordan, and crowds gathered to him again. And again, as was his custom, he taught them. 2 And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” 3 He answered them, “What did Moses command you?” 4 They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.” 5 And Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. 6 But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ 7 ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 10 And in the house the disciples asked him again about this matter. 11 And he said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, 12 and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”” (Mark 10:1-12 ESV)

Now — something that may surprise you — is that our current view of divorce is fairly similar to the culture’s view in Jesus’ day. In fact — most Jews — in this time period — believed that a man had an inalienable right to divorce his wife. The only question was what were legitimate grounds for divorce. (David E. Garland, Mark, NIVAC (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1998), 378.) And there were two schools of thought.

There were the conservatives who argued that adultery was the only ground of divorce. And there was a more liberal group who argued that divorce could be granted for any reason. And — based on what we find in Matthew’s recording of this moment — it seems that these Pharisees hold the second — more liberal — view of divorce. Here’s what they ask Jesus — according to Matthew. “And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?”” (Matthew 19:3 ESV)

So — the real question being asked — isn’t, “Jesus, is divorce ever permissible?” The question they’re asking is, “Jesus, is divorce always permissible?” And that’s a huge distinction. In fact — in Matthew — we see that Jesus does give grounds for divorce being permissible. Here are Jesus’ own words. “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”” (Matthew 19:9 ESV)

Similarly — in Matthew chapter 5 — Jesus states, ““It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 5:31-32 ESV)

Now — a few observations about what Jesus has said. First, both of these passages give us an exception for divorce — according to Jesus — sexual immorality. Second, a husband can commit sexual immorality as well. So Jesus isn't saying that a wife can’t ever divorce her husband — Jesus is just addressing the question being asked of him — about a man divorcing his wife — the question isn’t about a wife divorcing her husband. And — three — just because sexual immorality has been committed — by one of the marriage partners — this doesn’t mean that a divorce must happen. There might be repentance and forgiveness and — yes — lots of messiness and counseling needed and the rebuilding of trust. But — even sexual immorality — doesn’t have to end in divorce — even though — according to Jesus — it can lead to divorce. All that to say — as someone has helpfully said — “Even though all divorces are the result of sin, not all divorces are sinful.” (Jay Adams)

Additionally, Paul — in 2 Corinthians — gives additional guidance on the topic of divorce that I’d encourage you to go study. But — for now — we’re focusing on Jesus and his thoughts on divorce. And there’s something I don't want you to miss.

When we often talk about the Pharisees — we think of them as being the religious legalists, right? No one wants to be like a Pharisee because that means you’re some kind of legalistic rules follower who’s judging everyone else, right? Well guess what? Their view of divorce — in our story — is super liberal! How about that for mind blowing?

And — even more disturbing — is that their view of divorce is the view prevalent in our culture today! Where divorce is now acceptable for any reason at all. But that’s what we’re wanting to find out from Jesus, right? That’s the question that — so often — we’re too afraid to ask him. The question often isn’t, “Jesus, what do you think about divorce?” The real question is, “Jesus, what do you think about my reasons for getting divorced?” And Jesus would say that’s the wrong starting point. Where you should begin is with God’s design for marriage — his purpose in creating marriage.

But often — when it comes to divorce — we approach marriage as if we humans are the ones who came up with the idea. But — as someone has said, “God instituted marriage…[which means that] marriage...is subject to the rules and regulations set down by God.” (Jay Adams, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1980), 4.) Including if a marriage is to come to an end. This is what it means to submit all of our life to God.

So — to recap — Jesus gives us a situation in which divorce is permissible. And it’s a short list — sexual immorality. So if that’s not your situation then slow down. And — Jesus would also say — “Permission to divorce doesn’t mean you’re required to divorce.”

TESTING JESUS

Now let’s look at how the Pharisees test Jesus — in asking him this question about divorce. Back to verse 1 again.

“And he left there and went to the region of Judea and beyond the Jordan, and crowds gathered to him again. And again, as was his custom, he taught them. 2 And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”” (Mark 10:1-2 ESV)

Now — the word translated as “test” — in verse two — can have a positive or negative meaning. But knowing the friction that’s been going on — between the Pharisees and Jesus — and how they’ve “tested” him previously — it’s clear that their intent is hostile.

Now — we’ve already covered the different views of divorce in Jesus’ day and how these Pharisees hold to a more liberal view of divorce. But here’s where their hatred for Jesus really shows its ugly head. Mark tells us where this encounter takes place — in Judea beyond the Jordan River. This is the territory under the leadership of Herod. The same Herod who had John the Baptist beheaded. And why was John beheaded — do you remember what John did that resulted in his head being served on a silver platter?

He confronted Herod and his wife about their marriage. Well what was wrong with their marriage? Herod’s wife was previously married to his brother — whom she divorced — in order to marry Herod. And John called them out for their unlawful marriage — which resulted in his death.

So back to Jesus and the Pharisees. Though we can’t say for certain, one Bible scholar suggests that, “Perhaps the Pharisees hoped Jesus would offend Herod, as John had done, and would meet the same fate at the hands of Herod as John did.” (James A. Brooks, Mark, NAC (Nashville: B&H, 1992), 156.) Now — we know that eventually the Pharisees will get their wish — and Jesus will be killed. But not yet. But this is what they’re hoping their test will lead to — at the very least — discrediting Jesus. At the very best — his death.

So they ask Jesus about his view of divorce. Does he agree with their permissive divorce policy or not? Can they somehow make Jesus seem to be in opposition against Moses? Can they manipulate Jesus into agreeing with them? Who knows what their ultimate goal is — but their question is our question, “Jesus, what do you have to say about divorce?”

And what Jesus makes clear is that divorce is a separation of oneness. It’s an amputation. It’s the breaking of a covenant. And — notice — though the Pharisees want to know what’s permissible — when it comes to marriage and divorce — Jesus points them — not to what is permissible — but to what God has commanded. God’s intention for marriage is where God wants us to begin. Not with divorce — but with his design for marriage. And in the culture of divorce that we all live in it would be wise for us all to study what God has said is his design for marriage.

But our focus is on the Pharisee’s testing of Jesus — something we often do. Where we test Jesus with what’s permissible — in regards to divorce — just like the Pharisees. Or — another way we might test God — is by rejecting the fact that he’s given a permissible reason for divorce. As some — who’ve never been divorced — treat divorce as an unforgivable sin. And — one way we can really tick Jesus off — is by ignoring what he’s said both — in speaking against divorce as always being permissible — and in speaking against divorce as never being permissible.

COMFORT AND HOPE FOR ALL

In fact — for those who didn’t raise their hands earlier — when you see the infiltration of divorce among others — if you didn’t raise your hand — first — know that you’re blessed. You should be thankful to God for the marriages in your family. And — second — know that you face the temptation of looking down on those families whose marriages have been shattered by divorce. Of pouring more guilt and shame on them. Of treating them as if they’ve committed the unforgivable sin.

When — in fact — the gospel shows us that we can simultaneously stand strong against divorce while also offering comfort and hope to those who are in difficult marriages and to those whose marriages have ended. So how do we do this? How do we stand for God’s view of marriage while offering comfort and hope to those who are divorced?

It begins by recognizing that those who’ve gone through a divorce already feel like they’ve got a scarlet letter placed on them — especially in the church. It’s why this topic is tempting to avoid as a pastor. I don’t want to put more guilt on your shoulders. Yet, there’s biblical truth — about marriage and divorce — that we must stand for — even as we walk through what seems to be the valley of the shadow of death for marriages in our nation.

How do we stand for God’s view of marriage while offering comfort and hope to those who are divorced? We must remember that marriage is always a union between two sinners and not pretend otherwise. Divorce is just one way we sinners stain God’s goal for marriage.

• Pornography stains our marriages.
• Emotional detachment stains our marriages.
• Adultery stains our marriages.
• Not praying with each other stains our marriages.
• Not loving our wives as Christ loves the church stains our marriages.
• Not submitting to our husbands as the church submits to Christ stains our marriages. And so on.

My point is this: You might not be divorced — but that doesn’t mean your marriage is living up to God’s vision for what marriage is to be.

So what are some things we can do to stand for God’s view of marriage while offering comfort and hope to those who are divorced?

First, regularly worship with your spouse. Did you know that the divorce rate among Christians who regularly gather with a local congregation is lower than couples who don’t regularly worship in a church together? (Brian Hollar, “Regular Church Attenders Marry More and Divorce Less Than Their Less Devout Peers,” March 4, 2020. https://ifstudies.org/blog/regular-church-attenders-marry-more-and-divorce-less-than-their-less-devout-peers.) Now — this is just a starting point — not the silver bullet of divorce proofing your marriage — but by simply committing to being actively involved in a local church you will reduce the likelihood that your marriage will end in divorce.

Second, if your marriage is struggling — seek out help. Pastor Robert is on staff for the sole purpose of congregational care and pastoral counseling. Reach out to him — call the church office — get on his calendar and begin working together — as a couple — towards healing and unity in your marriage.

Third, pray as a couple together. Not just before meals — though that’s great — but set apart a time each day to pray together. It doesn’t have to be long or drawn out. My wife and I kneel by our bed and pray most evenings. We simply thank God for one thing from the day — but we do so together. For as someone has said, “I’ve never met a couple who has divorced because they were pursuing God too much.” (Ed Stetzer, “Pastors: That Divorce Rate Stat You Quoted Was Probably Wrong,” September 27, 2012. https://www.christianitytoday.com/edstetzer/2012/september/pastors-that-divorce-rate-stat-you-quoted-was-probably.html.) Pursue God together through regular in person worship, seek out help, and pray together.

Additionally, here are some good reminders of things that all of us should keep in mind in regards to divorce and how deeply it affects many in our congregation. These thoughts come from a woman who experienced a divorce and — even more heartbreaking — was part of a church that didn’t know how to care for her. She writes... (Laura Petherbridge, “10 Things I Wish Church Leaders Knew about Divorce,” August 23, 2018. https://lifewayresearch.com/2018/08/23/10-things-i-wish-church-leaders-knew-about-divorce)

• “Remember that divorce is death. Regardless of the circumstances, divorce signifies the fatality of the marriage vow. It’s the death of a dream, the breaking of the covenant, and the ending of ‘what should have been.’ It often feels as if death would have been easier because death is natural and doesn’t carry the shame.” How can you help alleviate the shame being carried by others because of a divorce and not add to their shame?
• “Remember that divorce is a soul-entrenched betrayal. It’s a rejection like no other. The person you thought would be your lifetime partner, your soft place to fall when the rest of the world abandons you decides, ‘I never loved you. You aren’t worth it.’” How can you help others know that God has and will always love them? And that you love them — and that they are worthy of being loved?
• “Remember that divorce has no closure. A divorced person experiences the loss and the humiliation over and over and over every time you check the ‘single’ or ‘divorced’ box on a form or your child cries for the other parent.”
• “Remember that divorce is a gut-level accuser. Night and day, the spousal rejection hauntingly whispers, ‘You are a loser. You are unlovable. You are a failure. You deserve to be alone. Life is over. You will never be loved again.’ Satan loves divorce. It’s a superb weapon of soul-deep destruction.” God hates divorce. Satan loves it because of its destructive power on our souls. How can you bring healing to the souls among us who’ve felt its destructive power?
• “Remember that divorce becomes an identity. It took a long time, great friends, and a terrific church to help me recognize that divorce was something I experienced. It was an event – not my identity. God still sees me as his precious daughter, one purchased and healed by Jesus.” How might you help others remember that their identity is in Christ and not in their marital status?
• “Remember that divorce takes only one, when marriage takes two. Just because the sin of divorce has occurred, it doesn’t mean both spouses have sinned in this way. There might be only one who is involved in addiction, adultery, abuse, pornography, anger issues, gambling, deception, drugs, homosexuality, mental illness, outrageous spending, or unwillingness to work. One spouse can destroy the marriage, no matter how hard the other is trying.” May we remember these words before we cast judgment on someone going through a divorce. You never know how hard they are trying to save their marriage that’s headed towards a divorce.
• “And remember that divorce causes those affected to dread Sundays. Walking into church witnessing all the nice families and loving couples was a stark reminder of just how abandoned I was. Sundays were often dreaded days I just needed to ‘survive.’ Too depressed to visit friends and exhausted from flashing my perfect ‘I’m fine’ smile, I collapsed at home. I would spend most of the day crying.” How might we all — as we gather together — seek out those who have been abandoned? Do we see someone — sitting alone — as an emergency — someone you’re personally responsible to care for? I know how easy it is to talk to the people we know — and in a larger church — it’s easy for many people to be around us and not be spoken to. Yet every person is just that — a person. Someone to be noticed. To be loved. To be befriended.

CONCLUSION

My guess is — that due to the nature of this topic — and how rarely it’s discussed — you all might have some questions. Feel free to send them in for the podcast. We’re recording an episode this week where we’ll cover things like…

• What do you do if you’re in a marriage that’s difficult?
• What about remarriage?
• If you’re divorced and remarried — what’s God’s view of your marriage?
• And whatever other questions you might have.

But what I have to imagine is that the hardest part — about all of this — is that — though the state may declare a marriage to have come to an end — ultimately — no one really gets a divorce. Even if you never see your ex again — an intimacy has been shared that can’t ever be fully severed. Property gets divided up, you live in separate locations, but it’s impossible to go back to being single. As someone has said, “Divorce is leaving a part of the self behind [with your ex].” (C. A. Whitaker and D. V. Keith, “Counseling the Divorcing Marriage,” Klemer’s Counseling in Marital and Sexual Problems, eds. R. F. Stahmann and W. J. Hiebert, 2d ed. (Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1977), 71.) And we’d all do each other some good to reflect on how heavy and hard this truth is for many in our midst.

Yet a final word of hope. Divorce doesn’t get the last word today — hope does.

• Though many may abandon us — in marriage or in other relationships — One has promised to never abandon us.
• He’s not once been tempted to leave you.
• He’s not once decided that your lack of love for him, or your love for yourself — which often outweighs your love for him — is justification for him to divorce you.
• There’s One who loved you even at great cost to himself — the cost of his love was his life.
• For those who’ve experienced the divorce of their parents — and being shipped back and forth between homes — who saw petty competition between mom and dad to try and earn your love and be your favorite parent.
• For children who’ve experienced the neglect of a parent — divorce was their way out of your life as well…
• Know that God loves you.
• Know that Jesus gave his life — in love — for you.
• Know that God’s Spirit wants you to know what it means to be loved.
• Your Heavenly Father wants you to know that you are valued. That you are secure. That you can rest and know that you won’t wake up tomorrow or the next day nor any day in the future to find that he’s packed his bags and is leaving you.

As hard as it may be to believe — as hard as it may be to trust — as hard as it may be to receive — hear me: God loves you. And he will forever be faithful to you. His commitment to you has no end. And the way to believing and trusting and receiving his love is by looking to his Son who — in love — gave his life for you. Let’s pray.

PRAYER

Heavenly Father, thank you for your never-ending, always faithful love for your people. Love we don’t deserve. Love we haven’t earned. Love we often take for granted. Love we’re often unimpressed with. But what amazing love you have for us.

Jesus, you are love and you love us. The proof is in you giving your life up — in love — for us on the cross. Though we are the unfaithful spouse — you remain faithful. You can’t help but be faithful to us. For being faithful is who you are. What hope for us — if we receive and rest in your faithful love for us.

And Spirit of God, help us to be gracious and kind to one another. Remind us to carry each other’s burdens and not to add to the burdens being carried. Help us to have your view of marriage, to have your view of what it means to be your people, to have your view of each person in our midst — they are someone you love — someone we’re to love. But — most of all — remind us all that we are more than our marital status. Through faith in Christ — our identity is now that of a child of God — adopted into the family of God. And we pray all of these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.

BENEDICTION / Prayer teams available (marriage struggles; want to be rid of the shame and guilt of a divorce; want to repent of how you’ve viewed and treated those who are divorced).

May you go knowing, believing, trusting, and resting in God’s never-ending, always faithful love for you. Amen.

God loves you. I love you. You are sent.